When Happy Up & Walks Away

How perfectly draining to at the same time always feel like far too much and yet never quite enough. – Tyler Knott Gregson

Be prepared;
Insecurity is going to come
It will not knock, but break down your door during a dinner date
Invite itself in and sit at the table,
Foam at the mouth like a hungry dog
It’s okay, let it in, set an extra plate
Tell the boy he has to leave, it’s not a good time,
Insecurity has something to say and you need to hear it
Feed it and love it, for this is a gift in disguise

It has a message and it goes something like this:
You are confusing the people you should love with the people you shouldn’t
You are confusing the people who love you with the people who don’t

Insecurity is here to teach you a lesson about packaging
The boy has a great singing voice, he makes a lot of money
He does things you wish you could do,
Volunteers with children and uses a French press
He showed up on your doorstep in a shiny new package
And when the magic hits you, you forget the reasons you are special

In the brightness of his light,
You forgot all the reasons you love yourself
After all, the package you are wrapped in was stamped and sent decades ago
You were swept away by all the reasons you love him,
it’s okay. Insecurity is here to teach you that new isn’t better,
Shiny isn’t superior, trendy isn’t triumphant
When he held your hand while you dreamed, you forgot the magical way you can quiet your own mind when it’s time to sleep
When he rolled with you down the hill, you forget that you once climbed a mountain all by yourself

And when it’s over,
You might be scared because your happy seemingly just up and walked away,
You are confused because lonely looks different than you remember it
It’s no longer an empty room,
But, rather, a room filled with thirty people and none of them want to hold your hand

It’s okay, remember, your happy isn’t gone;
Your happy is just no longer 5’9” with strong arms,
It’s the tall peppermint latte you buy yourself on a long day.
It’s a short trip to the bookstore to buy flimsy paperback books.
And, it’s okay, it’s still your happy. It just looks a little different now.

And, baby girl, remember your strength isn’t gone just because insecurity outstayed it’s welcome

Don’t forget; strength isn’t a penny pressed in a factory,
It is the painting that didn’t come out like you wanted, but still looks beautiful
Your strength hangs limply on your wall, when everyone else’s dances in the night
The rest of the world has strength that screams out loud, and yours never speaks up
It’s okay; your strength is quiet, maybe different, but it’s there
It’s spending the day simply just trying to survive your unwelcome visitor
It’s learning how to weather phrases like, “I just don’t like you that way”
It’s being brave enough to cry when your mind tells you not to

In time,
You may wonder if anyone will ever notice how hard you are working
The person next to you just fed fifteen homeless people
All you did was get out of bed.
It’s okay, keep working.
Your strength doesn’t have to grunt like a jock at the gym,
It just needs to get the job done.

And, now, finally, insecurity will pack its bags and leave
Because you gave it everything you had and it still took more
It chewed up your carpet so now you can build sturdy hardwood floors
Ripped off your packaging so now you can choose your new design
Your colors will shine brighter, you’ll wrap yourself in translucent paper
So people can see your humble soul instead of just your tough skin,
And, maybe now, it’s time for that dinner date again



i woke up in the spring

I lay down to rest in a bed made of leaves
And felt the crisp air dance on the edge of my sleeves
In a big burly scarf and an oversized coat
I thought about you and the note that you wrote
You told me not to worry, the deep pain would soon leave
That time brings us through darkness, in light I’d rise from my knees
But in this field blanketed by dark overcast skies
Mother Nature could handle the tears in my eyes
The trees in the distance shed bright colored leaves
I envied that letting go was their God given expertise
So I threw myself down on the hard cracking ground
My sobs and deep breaths the only loud sound
Then the grass softened itself to wipe up my tears
The wind swirled around me then carried my fears
As winter came forth and froze up the land
Mother Nature reached down with her long aging hand
She said, “Let your heart freeze, trust me sweet child,
And when the spring comes, we’ll let it thaw for a while
It may seem impossible, but i think you’ll soon see
You can learn to let go just like my dear trees.”
And because it was calm despite my chaotic wild heart
Listening to nature seemed like a great place to start
So I crawled into the shelter of a big sturdy rock
Hibernated while winter played down the clock
When Mother Nature woke me gently in spring
The ice melted in my chest with no pain lingering


they say you get a soulmate
everybody has just one
and when you finally meet them
the world becomes more fun
but i’ve met people near and far
no two are quite the same
and in their laugh or pretty eyes
i’ve found the cure to pain
the painter i loved dearly
taught me how to chase my dreams
and the one that loved nature
showed me things i’ve never seen
the guy who loved music
opened my world to something new
and the one that found me in the dirt
taught me love is true
none of them worked out
because it wasn’t meant to be
but pieces of their souls
I’ve kept safely within me
the problem i’ve found with soulmates
is they can never stay too long
for they open up a part of you
that you need to carry on
their spirits can be kept
but they were never meant to stay
because this is your journey
only you yourself can pave the way
for when it comes to soulmates
you love them just too much
it almost seems to break you
every time you touch
so gather what they’ve taught you
and soon i think you’ll see
those soulmates were there to show you
the person you should be
think fondly of the painter
while you boldly chase your dreams
and keep your thirst wide open
for the things you’ve never seen
though you may have hoped
they would stay and never leave
trust me, child, when i say
you’re where you need to be
so hold your chin up soldier
and wipe away your tears
use all that they’ve taught you
to finally face your fears
your journey isn’t over
because your soulmates went away
in fact you might just find
they are with you everyday


I lay on his flat stomach and we start talking about
Our experimentation and experiences and it’s clear
Out of my league, so I listen to him talk about coke and molly,
Turning over the words in my mind while trying hard
To freak out because his rib cage reminds me what it’s like
To feel safe and his beautiful smile reminds me that
To love someone isn’t so bad of an idea after all but then
I realize that I can’t stop my mind from going there…
Fall for someone with such a streak of rebellion would both feed
My curiosity and kill the innocence I’ve been raised with, so I
My voice to a level of coolness and ask about other drugs
With more serious names and consequences and he stops
But then sees the look of naivety in my eyes. “I’m not trying
To kill myself, here, I’m just out for a good time.” He laughs.
Confused but smile and wonder why I never thought about how
Much fun these drugs might be and by the end of the week I’m
Sitting in his living room, convincing myself that this is fun,
and after a few weeks this is fun and I’m no longer
But he tells me that after he lost his dad to brain cancer he
Snorted a few lines and drank shots and succeeded in his quest
Forget, without catching the irony of harming his brain and I suddenly
Know this is more than fun; I know deep down if I stay by his side I will
To find a way to let go of the annoying feeling serving to warn me that
Someday, his way will be my way and it’ll be the farthest thing from